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I cannot stop eating. My emotional reliance on food is stronger than my desire to become healthy and pretty. 

Hi again, back because I have nobody to talk to. 

I was diagnosed with autism, I highly doubt the accuracy of my results. It might partially because I have a distorted view of autism and neurodivergent people; I can admit that, I am a product of the culture. I wish I was never assessed, it made me feel even more alienated. Whatever, I can deal with all of that later. At the moment I don't care about it. 

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My ex (the one I got with in Fiji), I didn't tell you why I broke up with him. It was because I never liked him, but on our plane ride back he told me he had generated AI porn of me so presented that as the reason I wanted to break up. Even if I liked him I would've broken up with him after hearing that. I was pissed off and somehow not surprised. Our mutual friend stayed neutral throughout the situation, telling me that he seemed sorry and apologised and apparently that was sufficient enough. I blocked both of them and will never speak to them again. Fuck you both.

Remaining on the topic of exes, my first ex reached out to me while I was at work. I broke up with him four years ago because the relationship was moving too fast, a codependency was building and we were both way too immature for what we were trying to get out of the relationship. He messaged me apologising for how the relationship ended, assuming he had hurt me (despite me communicating to him during our break up that I was ending things because we had moved too fast and we were both too young do be doing what we were trying to do). I told him that I felt no resentment and anything he may had done was forgiven years ago. We are back to being friends again.

We had been friends since we were six, we were very close. After the break up I never heard from him again, directly or indirectly through friends or social media posts. He didn't have the most stable life, so yes, I was worried. When he messaged me I was so happy to hear from him. I think my feelings for him never left because they've resurfaced again like a volcanic eruption. I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual, just based off the way he messages me. I doubt that anything will be done with these feelings. I don't know how a round two would end. 

He's a good man and I miss him a lot. 

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My sessions with my psychologists haven't done much. Whenever I try to bring up different problems I feel like the sessions are steered towards problems that the more general population has. Like when I tried suggesting my low self esteem and bad emotional regulation are the products for being in a toxic school environment for a decade she (my psychologist) pushed the conversation towards my parents- specifically my mum. Obviously they have played their part in cultivating my current mental state, but I know that my school environment was the main source. So that's how most sessions go. 


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Almost 5 weeks into university, studying psychology, not art. Everyone was surprised. I have talent and skills, but no passion. That's no artist.

University, so far, was not as bad as I had thought it would be. The friends I made I can tell will be temporary, the friendships will last maybe a year before we become acquaintances. Nothing wrong with that, but to have a good, solid, lasting friendship with another girl would be nice. Its something that comes so naturally to other girls.

It really just feels like an exaggerated high school. I'd say I am content.? 


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Every time I open up to my parents I always regret it. After being diagnosed with autism I asked my mum how she felt about it, she had nothing to say. When I asked my dad he said that I seemed to be fine and that it didn't seem to affect me. For some reason that upset me. I know he doesn't know anything about autism, not to say I'm an expert, but considering he suggested that Elon Musk saluted because he was autistic says a lot.

I later asked mum about the diagnosis again. She started talking about how I never acted like the severely autistic boys at her work (she's a childcare worker) and so that there was no way for her to know. I got upset and told her its called a spectrum for a reason and that autism doesn't always look the same in girls. I told her about how I didn't even recognise I was being bullied when I was a kid because it wasn't direct and I couldn't pick up on the subtleties of the situation. She then got upset and started talking about how she felt like she had failed me as a mother. I got even more upset at that. 

My sister just turns the whole thing into a joke, which I don't know why, but usually I'm fine with it. I can tell she knows more about autism than my parents. That might be why. Sometimes it gets annoying though. 

When my mum was talking to me about my PCOS she mentioned that I should take supplements. I told her that's fine, but she then suggested that it could improve my autism. Obviously this pissed me off. I told her herbs wont change the condition of a neurodevelopment disorder. I was laughing the entire time I was explaining this to her. I was so agitated. 

This shit is so lonely, I wish I was never diagnosed.  


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Two or so days ago my mum said that the reason I eat so much might be because there's worm in my stomach. Its already been established that I suffer (yes, suffer not 'have', I hate this) from binge eating disorder. So of course this upset me. I really don't understand how hard it is to think before you speak. 

About my eating disorder, it hasn't gotten better. I actually think its getting worse. I have no idea what to do, I rely on it to keep me afloat since I'm self harm free.

I cannot get over this feeling of ugliness. 

My friend complimented my other friend- saying he likes his consistent fashion and intricate outfits. I could've been the same if I didn't feel so ugly in the feminine outfits that I used to wear. I only wear baggy t shirts and jumpers now. What once made me feel pretty makes me feel so self conscious.

I look so frumpy in everything I wear, the only time I don't is when I wear shorter shirts that flare out, but those make me feel exposed. I have an inverted triangle body shape and a majority of my fat is stored on my upper body, my legs look too skinny for my torso- my torso is also painfully short and my arms are long. I look compressed and lumpy. I hate how my body just naturally emphasises my bust it makes me feel whorish. I don't feel feminine. I look and feel so ugly. I want to wear nice things, but I feel so ugly all the time and the pretty clothing I want to wear overpower me, it looks like I'm hiding behind them- and I am. They don't work to accentuate me and my person, they only work to hide me.

I hate how beautiful my legs look on their own, but when paired with the rest of me its overshadowed by everything else and I don't even feel good enough to show them off. My legs connect to narrow hips and I have absolutely no ass. Being chubby with no ass and a mediocre chest feels so humiliating because guys only like chubby girls when they have hips and boobs. What's the point of being chubby if neither look good. 

My PCOS makes my face so bloated, despite my diet improving my skin has never looked worse. My stomach is always bloated and no matter what I eat, how rich it is in protein- how low in carb- I feel disgusting. I hate eating next to my skinnier sister because it makes me look like a fatass.

I know my parents don't find me beautiful even though they tell me that I am. All the features I have, my mum criticises on other people. She thinks its ok because that person isn't me, but part of them physically resembles me. 

I hate how attached I am to my hair. I hate how it makes my face look, I hate how I'm too scared to get it cut because its the only thing that makes me feel pretty sometimes. The only time I will take photos of myself is when my hair looks good.

I hate that when I feel ugly I am irritable and quick to anger.

I hate knowing that I would look so much better skinnier- I hate being the fat family member. I hate knowing that I would look better if I were a man, I hate knowing that if I were a man I would not hold myself to such high standards.

I hate that everyone I know is someones type, except me. I hate how close I am into fitting the sad curly girl archetype, but missing the mark because my suffering is not beautiful. The men that say this is their type have walked right past me.

I hate that I hope to be preyed on to reassure my appeal to men.

I hate that everyone looks better than me. I hate that nobody takes me seriously when I talk about this.

I hate that there is real narcissism embedded in hating my appearance so much. 

I hate that nobody takes me seriously when I talk about this.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of vegetables, eggs, blackberries and salmon. Total was around $30. I got home and gave my sister some spinach and eggs. She made scrambled eggs, the way mum used to. 
I made fried eggs and ate it with some of the vegetables. 

When dad got home he started to take out the trash and noticed that the massive jar of chocolate spread was in the bin- guilty, I threw it out in the morning. He was mad for a moment and looked at me and asked who did this as if it wasn't obvious. I smiled and said that I started eating spoonfuls of it, got sad and threw it out.
He mostly calmed down- though still a little mad- and said he wasn't going to buy more. He said it in a way that made me think he meant that as a punishment, but it's exactly what I wanted, so I said "yayyyyyy". 

I hope he finally gets the message.

 I keep getting upset at dad for not wanting to help me.

I'm almost 18 so I guess he doesn't have to by then, but even so he didn't help me when I was 15. Its not that wanting me to be independent is the reason he won't help, its just that helping me- and by that I mean stop buying shit food- is too much of an inconvenience because he wants his fuckass chocolate hot cross buns. It irritates me horribly, so much so that looking at him annoys me. Not buying trash food will help him and my sister too, but noo. 

I feel so ugly, I am ugly, I look ugly. I'm young, in my prime and I should not be wallowing in ugliness like this. I'll never be this young again, so I want to be as happy as I can be. Feeling ugly on the inside and having the outside reflect it should not be part of this experience, it should never be. I'm not supposed to waste these years looking and feeling like shit. I want to change that and he does not understand. He doesn't understand how being objectively ugly can ruin a teenage girl's brain. He doesn't understand how sluggish and worn out I feel because of the shit I am eating and how it's impacting every aspect of my life. He doesn't know what it feels like to be fat.

I can express myself better through writing, maybe I should just show him these entires instead of trying to articulate my problems via speech- because he doesn't fucking listen. I'm pressing the keys on my laptop so unnecessarily hard as I type this, I'm so irritated. 

I realise that I need to do this on my own and that he will not help me because he doesn't care enough too. Sugar is too important to him.
I'm going to start working towards a full on keto diet, I hate androgen.

 I need to tell dad how ugly I feel tonight. It directly works against me in conjunction to my eating problem. I need to tell dad about my food addiction AGAIN. I'm annoyed. I just talked to him about my hair and wanting a haircut and I told him about how the last hairdresser fucked up my hair and he didn't care. He's a guy and yes they care about their appearance too and are often insecure, its different as a girl. Very very different. My hair is the only thing that makes me feel pretty and I'm going to try to make him understand that. 

I was feeling motivated today, about food and exercise and looking better in general, but after talking to him it kinda just faded away. 

I know that when I open with this topic he's going to laugh and tell me every teenager goes through this. That is true, but the thing is, not every teenager is actually ugly. I am ugly. I know I am ugly because the world tells me I am. If I were pretty people wouldn't wait for me to degrade myself to then finally call me pretty.

I can't go to school next year and be fat. I have less than two months to fix this. I can't be fat, I cannot disappoint. I can't look fat in my very last school photo. 57kg here I come.

I've discovered that porridge can suppress binges quite well.