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Hi again, back because I have nobody to talk to. 

I was diagnosed with autism, I highly doubt the accuracy of my results. It might partially because I have a distorted view of autism and neurodivergent people; I can admit that, I am a product of the culture. I wish I was never assessed, it made me feel even more alienated. Whatever, I can deal with all of that later. At the moment I don't care about it. 

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My ex (the one I got with in Fiji), I didn't tell you why I broke up with him. It was because I never liked him, but on our plane ride back he told me he had generated AI porn of me so presented that as the reason I wanted to break up. Even if I liked him I would've broken up with him after hearing that. I was pissed off and somehow not surprised. Our mutual friend stayed neutral throughout the situation, telling me that he seemed sorry and apologised and apparently that was sufficient enough. I blocked both of them and will never speak to them again. Fuck you both.

Remaining on the topic of exes, my first ex reached out to me while I was at work. I broke up with him four years ago because the relationship was moving too fast, a codependency was building and we were both way too immature for what we were trying to get out of the relationship. He messaged me apologising for how the relationship ended, assuming he had hurt me (despite me communicating to him during our break up that I was ending things because we had moved too fast and we were both too young do be doing what we were trying to do). I told him that I felt no resentment and anything he may had done was forgiven years ago. We are back to being friends again.

We had been friends since we were six, we were very close. After the break up I never heard from him again, directly or indirectly through friends or social media posts. He didn't have the most stable life, so yes, I was worried. When he messaged me I was so happy to hear from him. I think my feelings for him never left because they've resurfaced again like a volcanic eruption. I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual, just based off the way he messages me. I doubt that anything will be done with these feelings. I don't know how a round two would end. 

He's a good man and I miss him a lot. 

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My sessions with my psychologists haven't done much. Whenever I try to bring up different problems I feel like the sessions are steered towards problems that the more general population has. Like when I tried suggesting my low self esteem and bad emotional regulation are the products for being in a toxic school environment for a decade she (my psychologist) pushed the conversation towards my parents- specifically my mum. Obviously they have played their part in cultivating my current mental state, but I know that my school environment was the main source. So that's how most sessions go. 


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Almost 5 weeks into university, studying psychology, not art. Everyone was surprised. I have talent and skills, but no passion. That's no artist.

University, so far, was not as bad as I had thought it would be. The friends I made I can tell will be temporary, the friendships will last maybe a year before we become acquaintances. Nothing wrong with that, but to have a good, solid, lasting friendship with another girl would be nice. Its something that comes so naturally to other girls.

It really just feels like an exaggerated high school. I'd say I am content.? 


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Every time I open up to my parents I always regret it. After being diagnosed with autism I asked my mum how she felt about it, she had nothing to say. When I asked my dad he said that I seemed to be fine and that it didn't seem to affect me. For some reason that upset me. I know he doesn't know anything about autism, not to say I'm an expert, but considering he suggested that Elon Musk saluted because he was autistic says a lot.

I later asked mum about the diagnosis again. She started talking about how I never acted like the severely autistic boys at her work (she's a childcare worker) and so that there was no way for her to know. I got upset and told her its called a spectrum for a reason and that autism doesn't always look the same in girls. I told her about how I didn't even recognise I was being bullied when I was a kid because it wasn't direct and I couldn't pick up on the subtleties of the situation. She then got upset and started talking about how she felt like she had failed me as a mother. I got even more upset at that. 

My sister just turns the whole thing into a joke, which I don't know why, but usually I'm fine with it. I can tell she knows more about autism than my parents. That might be why. Sometimes it gets annoying though. 

When my mum was talking to me about my PCOS she mentioned that I should take supplements. I told her that's fine, but she then suggested that it could improve my autism. Obviously this pissed me off. I told her herbs wont change the condition of a neurodevelopment disorder. I was laughing the entire time I was explaining this to her. I was so agitated. 

This shit is so lonely, I wish I was never diagnosed.  


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Two or so days ago my mum said that the reason I eat so much might be because there's worm in my stomach. Its already been established that I suffer (yes, suffer not 'have', I hate this) from binge eating disorder. So of course this upset me. I really don't understand how hard it is to think before you speak. 

About my eating disorder, it hasn't gotten better. I actually think its getting worse. I have no idea what to do, I rely on it to keep me afloat since I'm self harm free.

This is my fault and I deserve whatever is coming. I need to face it and deal with it accordingly, I will deal with it properly and I wont run away from it. 

It is exam season and I don't feel much stress honestly.

English is my most important exam and its approaching quickly. English is the only prerequisite I need for what I want to study and it is my strongest subject too! I feel hopeful, I'm lucky to be feeling hopeful- and almost relaxed- during a time that is extremely stressful for most.

Through all this I'm sending my teachers trial exam questions I've answered and essays for feedback and it is very quickly forcing me to learn to take criticism and honestly it feels good. Receiving constructive criticism, with no malicious intent to pummel my self esteem, but to actually help me improve FEELS GOOD. 

I still kinda suck at creative writing though, which is my only problem with English right now. I'll be alright.

Genuinely what is wrong with me? Why does this friend irritate me so much? Maybe its because he's doing everything I want to do? But then that's stupid because what is stopping me? I'm already working to reach that level anyways. It might be a combination of things.

I had a conversation with dad two nights ago? One night ago? I've already forgotten. Well, I told him that I was feeling lonely, he said he felt lonely at my age too. He said that I've got friends and family, I said that my friends don't feel like friends and my family doesn't feel like family. I've never felt a connection with anyone and that I'm only close to him and my younger sister. He said he understands.


I started talking about University and moving out. I said that I'm scared of being trapped in this state, never finding and curating meaningful relationships even in University. After University it'll feel like all my chances to make friends are gone.
I wanted to talk to him about my fear of ending up alone without a partner, but I knew for certain he'd laugh at me. Not mockingly, but because the fear is dumb, I guess?

All of these fears and having this friend, that I still cannot figure out if he's actually pretentious or not, be much closer to having everything I want is making me feel irritated. NO, wait actually, as I typed that last sentence out I remembered that he's also unhappy with the number of friends he has. Well, it's still kinda different from me because I feel no connection to the people I call friends, he does, but he just wants more friends. What the hell am I upset about? Everything about him is just above average, not extraordinary. Why am I mad? 

Maybe it's because he tells me things I don't want to hear? I rant a lot on my Insta spam account and he always replies and tells me what I have to do to resolve it. Things I'm not doing to the best of my ability. That also might be it, or at least part of the reason. Maybe I don't like the help, especially because he's a man. Accepting help from a man isn't a bad thing, but I have a problem of thinking that they all are doing it just to look down on me, which logically makes no sense. That's a whole other conversation. 

Speaking of my Insta spam account, I posted many stories complaining about how far behind I am at life compared to everyone else and how I'm missing out on the classic teen life and experiences. I mentioned how pissed I was when people would tell me that missing out on teenage romance was nothing to be upset about- because it very much is something to be upset about. This was something my friend did say to me, he said that I wasn't missing out on much; like he'd know that- an aromantic that has never been in a relationship. Indirectly telling him how I felt about what he said via the spamming was childish and dumb. He replied to my story and apologised if he was every impatient with me in regards to me ranting about being a lot slower than everyone else.

The problem is me, it's just me. I want to speak to a bloody psychologist.

Spoilers for JJBA, Battle Tendency.


I'm rewatching JJBA with my dad and sister. We just watched Caesar die and we were dead silent. Despite all of us having already watched this scene before, it was still as impactful as it was the first time each of us picked up Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. My sister and I were making jokes up until we noticed that Caesar was about to engage in combat with Wamuu.

The rock being cross-shaped- his death was obviously religiously metaphoric. I know his death was avoidable and near pointless, but the metaphor makes me think about my bridge between Islam and Christianity. It has nothing to do with JJBA, but that just happened to be what prompted this post.

I grew up with Islam and it was imbedded into my identity since birth. I quickly concluded that the religion was not for me at a very early age, but because it was so ingrained it me- I could never completely let it go. Till this day, I still do not agree with the religion, but I often feel alienated in my new Christian school, so I attached myself to my "Muslim" identity. I only joke about it in order to not fully burden myself with the title and the beliefs that come with it, I've never properly proclaimed myself as a Muslim in my new school. I know everyone would be welcoming of me, whether they are accomodating or not isn't the problem. I latch onto the label because it makes me feel as though I belong to a community.

Coming to this school and being exposed to Christianity made me feel like I had been sheltered from everyone else. People at my old school were virtually the same, no new ideas were spread.

Seeing the different between "fear Allah" and "Jesus loves you" was all too jarring.

Everyone here is so much nicer to me.

I'd like to be religious, but religion remains unconvincing to me. I would like to have a God to lean on and thank them. I wish to explore Christianity more in the coming years, in my current school and in University.