everything is annoying
Nov. 1st, 2024 03:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dicknailIncoherent train of thoughts.
I'm always mad at everything. I think I'm more mad at myself than anything, maybe. I don't know. My psychologist thinks I might be autistic, I don't think I am, I hope I'm not because then it'll re-contextualise everything- EVERYTHING and my I don't think I could handle it. Getting better would also be harder, I'd have to relearn everything, I'd probably spiral.
I pity myself too much, everything that happened to me wasn't that bad- I feel like everyone else thinks that. I don't think I cared about mum choosing to fuck a pedophile over loving me for nearly three years that much. But then why am I so mad at everything? Also, I can't remember anything. I don't think I'm repressing or detaching from my emotions, I feel everything, its just that when my psychologist asks me to describe them I can't, because describing how exactly sadness feels is weird, so I look like I'm detaching.
I'm definitely detaching. I'm also so behind on everything, friendships, romance, employment, driving and just general life experiences. Everyone goes through life at their own pace, but the way society is structured I'm very obviously falling behind. I'm also ugly, I'm so ugly. If I were prettier I'd be happier.
My mum and sister were just in this room and their presence really irritated me and I wanted to yell at them, but I held my tongue.
I'm also definitely not getting into the Uni I want. My friend got into the exhibition that both of us applied for, I didn't. I don't have what the art world is looking for, apparently he does. I thought his artwork was corny, but that's just jealousy talking because he had a clear theme and vision that he executed well. I didn't do that. My technical skills and art style are more refined, but I have no meaning no purpose to what I make- maybe this is a problem because I actually am detaching from my emotions. Though, whenever I tried to add meaning to my art, it never worked.
Why am I so ugly? I'd be ok at this weight if my fat was distributed better. My mum said my formal dress would've looked better if I had a butt. Now I don't want to wear it. People only like chubby girls when their figure still resembles that of a woman- fat in the chest and fat in the hips. I only have one of those so it makes me feel like a man who had breasts sown onto him. I look so awkward. I don't even feel comfortable in jeans anymore. The solution would be to lose weight, but I cannot stop eating. I eat to distract me from the bigger pains- detachment, yes, wow. That is so lame.
I hate being a woman, though if I were a man I would've been a horrible person. People that don't understand me when I say that truly don't understand how differently women and men are socialised and how different men and women actually are.
I hate everything. Why am I ugly?
My mum wants me to get my makeup and hair professionally done. I don't want to. People are telling me to cut my hair, I want to because shorter hair will make my face look less puffy, but that's the only reason. I hate my fringe, but people let me know that hiding my forehead is good.
Eight months sober and I feel the same. I want to cut myself, part of me misses the harsh red and white of early scarring, I don't know why, but I do.
If I were slimmer with long curly hair, nobody would be telling me to cut it. I wish mum never convinced me that my hair was a nuisance. I wish I had never gotten that undercut.
I'm always mad at everything. I think I'm more mad at myself than anything, maybe. I don't know. My psychologist thinks I might be autistic, I don't think I am, I hope I'm not because then it'll re-contextualise everything- EVERYTHING and my I don't think I could handle it. Getting better would also be harder, I'd have to relearn everything, I'd probably spiral.
I pity myself too much, everything that happened to me wasn't that bad- I feel like everyone else thinks that. I don't think I cared about mum choosing to fuck a pedophile over loving me for nearly three years that much. But then why am I so mad at everything? Also, I can't remember anything. I don't think I'm repressing or detaching from my emotions, I feel everything, its just that when my psychologist asks me to describe them I can't, because describing how exactly sadness feels is weird, so I look like I'm detaching.
I'm definitely detaching. I'm also so behind on everything, friendships, romance, employment, driving and just general life experiences. Everyone goes through life at their own pace, but the way society is structured I'm very obviously falling behind. I'm also ugly, I'm so ugly. If I were prettier I'd be happier.
My mum and sister were just in this room and their presence really irritated me and I wanted to yell at them, but I held my tongue.
I'm also definitely not getting into the Uni I want. My friend got into the exhibition that both of us applied for, I didn't. I don't have what the art world is looking for, apparently he does. I thought his artwork was corny, but that's just jealousy talking because he had a clear theme and vision that he executed well. I didn't do that. My technical skills and art style are more refined, but I have no meaning no purpose to what I make- maybe this is a problem because I actually am detaching from my emotions. Though, whenever I tried to add meaning to my art, it never worked.
Why am I so ugly? I'd be ok at this weight if my fat was distributed better. My mum said my formal dress would've looked better if I had a butt. Now I don't want to wear it. People only like chubby girls when their figure still resembles that of a woman- fat in the chest and fat in the hips. I only have one of those so it makes me feel like a man who had breasts sown onto him. I look so awkward. I don't even feel comfortable in jeans anymore. The solution would be to lose weight, but I cannot stop eating. I eat to distract me from the bigger pains- detachment, yes, wow. That is so lame.
I hate being a woman, though if I were a man I would've been a horrible person. People that don't understand me when I say that truly don't understand how differently women and men are socialised and how different men and women actually are.
I hate everything. Why am I ugly?
My mum wants me to get my makeup and hair professionally done. I don't want to. People are telling me to cut my hair, I want to because shorter hair will make my face look less puffy, but that's the only reason. I hate my fringe, but people let me know that hiding my forehead is good.
Eight months sober and I feel the same. I want to cut myself, part of me misses the harsh red and white of early scarring, I don't know why, but I do.
If I were slimmer with long curly hair, nobody would be telling me to cut it. I wish mum never convinced me that my hair was a nuisance. I wish I had never gotten that undercut.
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